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Archive for the ‘Things of a more lighthearted nature’ Category

It didn’t take long for James to come along and nudge him with his fat stump of an arm. As large as a mountain and twice as silent, James didn’t say anything when David staggered up and glared at him sharply. Indifferent to his glare of protest, James turned his attention to the rest of the cafeteria, scanning for any more stragglers.

Although James was barely 5’8” and exceeded 375 pounds, he was possibly the fastest thing on two legs. The gazelle can reach speeds of 50 mph, and, as anybody knows, the Cheetah beats this by at least 20 mph. In times of conflict, James could easily double this. There were many times when David witnessed a fight break out halfway across the ground floor of the school, and, in a breath, James was there strangling one guy with his left while holding another to the ground with his right. Watching James mediate conflicts was like watching a large beast overcome its prey on the Discovery Channel. It had the same magnificence and the same gore ridden climax that satisfied the savage bloodlust that all of men share.

One morning, David was unfortunate enough to feel his wrath. Walking past and courteously waving to James, which was returned with a smile, David passed him at a leisurely pace with a grin on his face from a more than satisfactory wake and bake session with true kine buds. Suddenly, he had something that could only be described as a giant orangutan on steroids on his back breathing hot breath into his ear molesting his ass. All the breath was pushed out of David and the substantial weight that was on his body wouldn’t allow any to come back in. Two hands scrambled around David’s ass, and his eyes went wide with the realization that the orangutan was trying to ass rape him. Afraid that if he screamed, it would only excite the beast more and entice it to donkey punch him in the back of the head while it vigorously pounded his ass. David tried to scream anyway, but all that came out was a whining whimper that sounded like it came out of twelve year old girl that had scraped her knee on the playground. The orangutan pulled something out of his pocket, and, before his cherry was popped, the weight lifted. At that moment, he knew how sailors who had been drowning must’ve felt when they finally found which way was up and found the surface. Taking in that first breath of cool air almost tears the lungs, but you’re not able to restrain yourself and you do so as if you may never be able to breath again. It was the breath of freedom without an ass rape.

James observed the black comb that was torn out of the young man’s back pocket with only a glimmer of regret. “Sorry, I thought it was a gun.” He held out the comb, handing it back to David in an unspoken gesture of peace, which David found unusual considering that James’ gesture was returning stolen property that had been obtained through fear and brute force.

David reached for the comb and took it without a word, gently nodding as he put it back into his pocket. There were no words for him to utter anyway. Some may say that he should’ve raised some voice of protest, stand on a soapbox and proclaim his tactics as abuses and demand reconciliation. David would submit that he was just happy to walk away with his cherry intact. Besides, David couldn’t help but respect such an animal in his natural environment, and when the animal nudges, you move.

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I miss having real friends.

Well, not really. I never had any friends. But these Internet Intimates, Coded Companions, or Digi-Friends seem strange and unfamiliar by comparison even though I don’t have anything to compare them to. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to meet up with one of them. Not in any funky sexual kind of way. You sick pervs should wash your minds out with soap. No, wait. Bad idea. That will probably do some sort of irreparable damage. Just stop thinking dirty thoughts.

For the Digi-Friends that I have profound conversations with, would our conversations turn to mundane comments about the weather in the real world. Or would the insights into the depths of human understanding be retained and indeed expanded by our corporeal interaction. I fear that the most amazing conversations would quickly turn to silence. The quick wit and amazing wordplay would be lost to fumbling stutters or long breaks in-between trains of thought. Oh. Woe are those who converse through their fingers in 140 characters or less only to meet at another moment to find themselves still holding their breath but with no device through which to speak. Digi-Discourse? The clicks of keys replace the clicking of the tongue betwixt syllables. Radiant glow of liquid crystal replaces the visage of an interlocutor.

Digi-friends will never be bother by a stutter. True. But what is lost with the breath between friends. The crack of a smile that follows a sarcastic comment is left only to emoticons and the parenthetical. I can only show my excitement, anger, or frustration with CAPS LOCK AND EXCLAMATION!!!!!! Dialect is replaced with use of acronyms. Lol or lulz? Context is everything! LMAO, ITT, WIN, CTOP, PWNED, LEIK, OP. Why is OP always a fag? And if everyone is Anon, then I guess no one really knows anyone and therefore the “friends” in digi-friends is left with just digi. Which is somewhat of a relief if you ask me. Since I never had any friends, but remember  reading somewhere about what they’re supposed to be leik, the comparison between what could’ve been digi-friends and friends was  a country that I would’ve much rather left undiscovered for fear of what I could’ve missed out on.

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For those of you who don’t know, I moonlight as a guitar god. Well, maybe not a god. But maybe an Daemon at least. Check out the video review I did for TheToneKing.com

 

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I know it’s hard to believe, but sometimes my sunny demeanour slips into a dark arid wasteland where my usually vibrant enthusiastic self settles into a depression from which very few dare to venture.

Then I smile as I recall Calvin and Hobbes. I’m brought back to those innocent days where a kid races down a snowhill with his tiger towards certain doom and only laughs in the face of it. Snowmen lay eviscerated and decapitated in the winter wonderland of a family’s front lawn. An old teacher will find new spring in her step as she has to restrain a little boy whose delusions of space travel and alien fighting bring him to an outburst in the middle of a history lesson.

Then I see this…

As the adrenaline pumps into my blood that sprays from a blood vessel in my head I grip the steering wheel so hard that my fingers start to crack. You see, this purloined image was never signed off on by the magnificent Bill Watterson. In fact, whenever the topic is brought up with him, it is an obvious source of disappointment. And, in his brilliance, Mr. Watterson has every right to be upset. I don’t use the word brilliant easily, but Bill Watterson IS brilliant. He stood firm against the merchandising of his characters specifically because he knew that it would cheapen them, and viola, you have it where one of his characters is smiling as he maliciously whips his dick out and pisses all over the place with his ass hanging out.

The ever gracious Mr. Watterson would never say any of this, but I will. Any sister-fucker who has this sticker anywhere on their hillbilly ride or anywhere else for that matter should wrap their lips around that diesel tail pipe while one of his dick dipping chew chawing backyard yokals heavy foots the gas pedal until his lungs are so filled with exhaust that they combust right out of his ass.

I wouldn’t even look favorably on anyone who looks at this image with anything other than pure disgust. Calvin was mischievous but NEVER malicious. His innocence was part of what made him so endearing. Had he just been a prick, everybody would’ve been hoping that Hobbes would’ve eaten him viciously. For those of us who read Calvin and Hobbes religiously, and understood it, this picture is an aberration on the same level as this…

So, you hillrodcockslurpingmotherfuckers, how did that feel to see your lord and savior as banging himself? Not very good did it. I’m sure I’ll get some hate mail for this, but it’s worth it to make it clear that it’s not funny or clever to have a pic of Calvin pissing on anything. In fact, you would be hard pressed to find anything dumber.

 

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Oh good cheeseburger crumbly meatiness you you what kind of expectations of cheesiness misbegot political compulsions conduct! I sink my tooth buns to you savor tangy condiments fragrant savor that I only you are in the service of further said. You Mayo agrarian! Oh juiciness to bring it to you I my chin eaves and soak my shirt God if you onion! I said to you but I really like me you with my bias.

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Taking a break from posting chapters of my book, as well as something to keep me busy while the din of the Super Bowl blares annoyingly in the back round, I have seen things (so many things) that you should check out.

4 Movies:

I was dying of the plague last week and didn’t get a lot of writing done. So instead of doing anything constructive, I wrapped myself in a blanket, got blind drunk, and watched about twenty hours of various movies.

1- Let the right one in – This movie shows what being in love with a vampire would really be like. Nobody shimmers or glistens or whatever, but a little girl does rip the arms off of a boy and drag his friend kicking and screaming to his ultimate demise. And that is why this is DEFINITELY the most amazing vampire love/friendship movie I have ever seen. Oscar, a young boy, becomes friends and falls in love with a vampire girl by the name of Eli. The young actress who plays Eli is frightening and captivating, making you feel sympathetic to her even as she kills mercilessly.

2 – Moon – Sam Rockwell rocks your mother’s house, if you know what I mean. He is so awesome, that they didn’t even bother putting any other actors in the same room as him, except another Sam Rockwell. Kevin Spacey’s voice is included in the cast, presumably because the sheer awesomeness of having the two in the same room would create a black hole that would destroy the entire planet.

3 – The Proposition – Although I’ve seen this movie about a million times, it just gets better every time I watch it. The only thing I’m going to provide to prove my point is the Monologue from John Hurt…

4 – The Prestige – Some know Christopher Nolan from The Dark Knight or Inception, which were both movies so good that I would have sex with them. But I would have sex with almost every  Christopher Nolan movie. Probably at the top of that list was The Prestige. It’s about magicians, which in itself is awesome. But the twists in this movie are both plenty and necessary. The later of which I have only seen in Christopher Nolan’s work.

I also saw Edge of Darkness, which wasn’t really worth it. The Town, which was good, but I suspect many people already know that. The Other Guys, which made me laugh my ass off, but again, I’m guessing that plenty of people have seen it.

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Last week I was too busy lambasting myself for being so lousy at things. So, my counselor (me) has instructed me to write ten positive things about myself. Here it goes.

1- I will never read a Twilight novel. Now some fans of Twilight might say. “That was a cheap shot!” To which I will say, “Well, yes. Yes it was.” Then go on my merry little way whistling or humming an obscure little tune. To say that there’s nothing wrong with Twilight would be a lie that would get me at least 7 years in hell. And, considering I am still collecting souls in an attempt to barter my way out when I am cast into the firy pits, I am not willing to add any time to that. After paroosing the first two pages of the first book in the series I was satisfied in the assessment that I knew everything that was going to happen in this Novel, and that none of it had any consequence on my life at all. It was better that I put the book down and spend my time more constructively, like punching a baby or something.

2 – I have written a novel. It might not be a particularly good novel, but it’s a novel none the less. Besides if the aforementioned title is any indication, novels don’t have to be good at all in order to make someone a lot of money. (Sorry. Couldn’t be helped. I’ll try to stop. But no promises.) After wrenching with my being for nearly a decade working on this book and putting every part of my self into it, I can safely say that there will only be a small section of the population that will read it (last stats I read said that 80% of Americans DIDN’T even pick up a book in 2009) and certainly less people will be able to understand it. So, I think my being is safe for now. Good thing too. Because they’ve burned people at the stake for less.

3 – I am a liberal. (This was intended as a jab to all my conservative friends out there)

4 – I am NOT a Christian (This was intended as a jab to all my former Christian friends out there) In fact, I don’t believe in any god in particular. And yes, I do think that this is a good thing. A really good thing as a matter of fact.

5 – I am a damn good cook. I mean, I’ve made enchiladas from scratch that will make you change religions (see #4)

6 – I have been dealing with 50 kids a week for nearly ten years, and I have yet to punch one of them in a face. Considering I really don’t like kids, this is an accomplishment that should consider me for sainthood.

7 – I love animals. (More than people)

8 – I take care of my body (when I’m not trying to drink myself into a coma)

9 – I never return phone calls. You may say that this is bad, but I am consistent in not returning phone calls. So, you are never concerned that I don’t like you or that I’m mad at you. You just realize, “he never calls anyone back”

10 – I can kill you with my brain.

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