Archive for March, 2010

Not many can claim to have accomplished so much being so young. Although barely a year old, My Beard accomplished more than many do in a lifetime. After being the first to discover a theory that worked to bridge the gap between Einstein’s theory of gravity in the macrocosm and the microcosm of Quantum Physics, he was quickly hired to help remove the bugs from the Large Hadron Collider. All the while he had written several books; including Understanding Society from Both the Upper and Lower Lip, Saving ‘That’ for Later, The Shadows Come Out After Five, Summer a La Souvarov, and How to Scratch and Look Dignified Doing It.

The first moments of My Beard’s life were met with disapproval from everyone from my wife to my coworkers. “Are we planning to shave anytime soon?” “The only thing that’s good for is exfoliating my face!” “Hello, Achmed!” With comments like these, it’s little doubt why My Beard would choose to live as a recluse, often shunning away from photographs and public apearences. It wasn’t long, however, that My Beard won the respect of his peers.

Unfortunately, maybe because of his genius, My Beard became wild and untame in his final moments. There was little to be done besides sever the relationship that I had with my beard. He is survived by the stubble that he left behind. He will be missed.

One of my beards Happier moments


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I am not that old.

My coworkers still call me kid. So, when I say that I haven’t ever seen a time like this, take it with a grain of salt.

But Dan Rather agrees with me.

Conversations that should be made based on reasoned debate turn quickly to yells and name-calling. I never knew that Liberals were the sole reason for poverty, lawlessness, high taxes, and the all around downfall of society. Who knew we were that efficient.

Tomorrow, the most controversial bill in 50 years will likely be passed and the blogs, media, and news will go red-hot with inflammatory remarks on how our  country will be destroyed and how Pres. Obama savagely raped our economy.  The Republicans will decry it as socialism and will vow to destroy it when/if they get back in office. There will be challenges to its constitutionality and its morality. People will cry from their rooftops in savage voices in anguish and call for revolution. Some may even try to revolt, carrying their guns to crowded places and popping off a few before turning their barrels on themselves. Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll get the order backwards. Conservative friends will make passing remarks on how we will be giving free abortions to illegal aliens and how our taxes will be raised to 110 percent. God will come down from his cloud for this blasphemy on his sacred day and tear apart the earth where it will swallow anyone who believes in the right to choose. He will bring with him the four horsemen who will starve your babies and will set fire to your cats. Pelosi will be heralded as a heretic and cast into the shadows while Biden will be made to wander in darkness for all of eternity. Obama will be sent back to Kenya where he can finally get a copy of his birth certificate. It will be too late, though. We thought those birthers were crazy, but how could they know that Obama was actually spawned from the uterus of a goat as a spawn of the great Lucifer. Before God has a chance to cast Obama back to a lake of fire for all of eternity, Obama will mesmerize him with his amazing oratorical skills where he will convince God that it’s best to let him run the world for a little while longer until he can redistribute everybody’s wealth to crack-head illegal immigrants that occupy themselves with having babies in-between long days of stealing from and raping old suburban white women.


Maybe we will just get one step closer to joining the rest of the world in providing all of its citizens with health care.

See you on the other side.

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Holy Shit!

I can post pictures on this Mutha?

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From reading the title, I can already sense that allot of people are angry at me. I tend to do that to people. I didn’t, however, name this post this for that reason. I think the question is a valid one. Personally, I think that publicly funding abortions would be a good thing overall. There are some who would argue that people would take advantage of that system and just have abortions left and right. Although this may be true for a very few heinous individuals, for the most part, I think that most would be a little more careful with their decision to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. Even the people I know who buck the system and have as many kids as they can so that they can get bigger tax breaks- I do know a few – wouldn’t be so quick to terminate an unwanted pregnancy.

Let’s say, though, that these people would take advantage of it. Well, I say, let em. If there is a choice between them having a child that they don’t want and treating it like shit for the rest of its life and possibly killing off later anyway, why not just let them do away with it before the thing is cognizant of what is going on. Truthfully, it would probably be much more humane in the long run.

Wow, reading that even makes me think that I’m being harsh! Right now, abortion is legal, and if a person wants to get one, they will get one. If they will opt to give the child up for adoption, they will choose to do that instead. What publicly funding abortions does do is that it allows for people who have a valid medical reason to get an abortion to be allowed to get one rather than being restricted by their inability to pay for the procedure and possibly end up with a much worse medical condition later on.

Really, I’m being just a little facetious, and I understand that there are moral questions involved here, but let’s try to engage in those questions and not try to demonize the issue by saying that people will just run rampant and get abortions all over the place. There is a much more serious discussion that needs to be had. Besides, don’t you think that woman should really be the ones who decide on this anyway. I don’t think I, or any other male, really have much of a place in this argument anyway.

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And the Garden

“Wh…who are…you?” A young girl reached out with her wilted hand, so delicate. Her young skin was so pale and wrinkled. Hunger had betrayed her youth, still in the spring for her but withered like fall. She was so still. Her golden locks had only a few strands left, the petals having fallen too early, but her eyes still held much of their beauty. They sparkled the brightest of blue like the sky newly brightened by the sun after a long rain. No, they were the color of the reflection of that same sky off of calm waters. They reached him deep and held on to him, pulling him close. He was pulled into them, and he swam in those cool pools, floating and letting the waves take him. They kept him floating and never let the undertow take him under. There, in the deep pools glazed by the bright sky, he swam.



“I’m Joseph. Please eat this.” He pulled some food from his mouth and put it into hers. He watched her closely as she chewed what was there and swallowed it. He stroked her pale golden hair gone thin, putting his hand to her lovely withered head, and waited for her to swallow. “Who are you?”

“I…am…too.” There was still time for games.

“You’re…who too?” Joseph played.

She smiled and reached for him. “Your…eyes are…pretty.” She squinted slightly, but almost too much, nearly pulling him out of her waters. The corners of his mouth followed hers, and he smiled too. His chest warmed and his stomach went tight as he floated in her. He wanted to hold this lovely child close to him and let his warmth flow into her. He would care for her like his father cared for him. They could bathe in the running waters together and let the sun pull them up through dirt, bringing them to light once more. But she was too frail to hold and too delicate to grow. She coughed a little and pulled her hand back away from him. It collapsed on her frail chest with a light thump.

“What’s your name?” He moved her hand and put his own to her chest to feel her pulse. It was slow, but it pushed hard. She could grow strong again, cut back the damage and new things will grow.

She stopped coughing and smiled at him again. “My…mommy…and sister…called…me…flower.”

He pulled a deep breath and let it linger, savoring her sweet perfume.

“I…I…just…can’t see…” She shivered slightly. Her eyes stayed open.

Her waters moved him far but held him shallow. She coughed louder with a little spat of blood trickling from her pale lips. “Why can’t I see?” She shook her head wildly like the harsh winds were pushing through her. He fell fast from those waters and found himself cold and shivering on rocky shores. He wiped her mouth clean, a touch of red, and brought his hand back to her chest. He brought her closer to him with his other hand, pushing gently against her back of skin and bones. He couldn’t hold her as tightly as he wanted, but he still held her close. Her head shook back and forth, trying to bring her back from dark, but she was too fragile a thing.

As she grew cold, he kept her close to keep her warm. Her chest heaved hard but hardly moved. He tried to push his warmth to her, trying to keep her away from that coming chill. Her head gently slowed and stilled with the calming winds. Her gaze stayed open, still trying to find his. “Where…are…you?” A gentle whimper that somehow found calm. “Please…” The breath barely passed through her lips. “…don’t…leave…I…can’t feel…you. Please don‘t leave me…Jo…Joseph…are…you there…are you still there? I‘m so…”

…I’m here…my dear flower…I’m still here…

He buried her in the sight of a familiar willowing tree, not so deep that she could not grow. He left a mark on the tree to tell her tale, a reminder of happier times. The tree looked down on the young child who was now beneath its dirt and promised to hold the child of the earth close and keep her warm. There, the flower stayed, under the watch of that willowed tree, held tight in its warmth and never far from the garden.

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