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Archive for September, 2010

Yes! For those fuck sticks who enjoy seeing jobs shipped overseas, rest assured that this practice will continue under the rule of the Republican Assholes.

Every single Cum-Slurping Asshole Republican voted against bill S3816, which shows impressive unification in an effort to completely destroy America. You see, in 1986 that fuck stick Ronnie Reagen gave tax breaks to corporations that shipped their jobs overseas. So, now that our whole economy is in the shitter, a few Senators thought, “Hey, let’s give the breaks to the guys who hire American workers instead. Only an asshole would vote against that!” And S3816 was born.

Well, guess what? A bunch of assholes DID vote AGAINST it. Now, all I hear about is how more of these assholes are going to be voted into congress in November. I can’t stop myself from saying it, if you vote Republican, or don’t vote at all, you are voting for a bunch of assholes, which, by proxy, makes you an asshole. Not only that, but since the Republicans are known for sucking the old cocks of the corporations and swallowing the man gravy of special interests, that also makes you a proxy cocksucker. I hope you’re satisfied living off of the semen of rich fat bastards, because that’s all you’re gonna get with the Republicans.

I understand the conservative argument that government should be smaller and taxes should be circumcized, and that is a debate worth having. Although, I will likely dominate the debate. But, Senate Bill S3816 wasn’t even given the chance to be debated on. This could have had the most profound positive effect on creating jobs and it was shot down like a lame horse without debate because the Republican Prostate Massaging Machine that calls themselves the Chamber of Commerce said that “Replacing a job that is based in another country with a domestic job does not stimulate economic growth.”

What the flying fuck are you talking about!!!! That’s exactly what replacing a job that’s based in another country with a domestic job does. Instead of giving money to some poor guy in Communist China, you’re giving it to a Fucking American. And that Fucking American will proceed to go out and buy shit. An that will create demand for people to produce more shit! And that’s how jobs are created Mutherfucker!!!!

If you think this is an isolated incident of Assholeness, think again. Remember when the Republicans blocked a bill that would provide funding for health care for 911 workers? Yeah, that brought a whole new level to the fucking of the American People. How about the ones who want to LOWER the minimum wage. Because $7.25 is too much money for people to live on. I mean, who needs fucking food anyway? Oh, and guess what, they don’t like our soldiers either. If you look hard you can find a video of Donald Rumsfeld basically telling the Army that “it’s too bad” that they cant afford body armor for the troops. That was right around the time that Old Bushy cut funding during war.

So, if you are planning to vote Republican, I challenge you to tell me what these Republicans have done to benefit anyone but the richest motherfuckers out there. If you can provide a concrete example, maybe I’ll even apologize. Until then, I guess you’re just an asshole.


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As may know, I wear many hats. The Fedora of Physics, the Akubra of Astrology, the Turban of Theology are merely a few.  As I am currently reading Anicius Manlius Severinus Boethius, I am now wearing the Phrygian Cap of Philosophy. Many would ask, “Why are you reading  Boethius?” and “Who the hell is this  Boethius guy, anyway?” In answering the first question I will simply quote the following passage:

Nunc fluens facit tempus,
nunc stans facit aeternitatum.

Isn’t that amazing? I know you think so. For the Latin illiterate, it says that you should stop being a savage and invest in a Latin to English dictionary. Nah, I’m just fucking with you. What it really says is:

The now that passes produces time,

The now that remains produces eternity

Now tell me that’s not sexy! Basically, my interest in Nunc Fluens and Nunc Stans started with the brutal metal songs by the same names by the glorious band Cynic. In fact, I am listening to Nunc Stans right now and am having a difficult time keeping control of my erection.

Anyway, the song begins with:

Hey Comerade

What it be like

On the Day we face our Mortal Life

The Nunc Stans is commonly understood in philosophy as the abiding now, the temporal instant that knows no articulation. I know what you’re thinking. “What does the now abide? Can the instant be recognized even if it cant be articulated? Who the fuck comes up with this shit?” Well, I had the same questions, and I have since struggled to find the origin of the concept. At first I thought it originated with Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathan where he states:

But they will teach us that eternity is the standing still of the present time, a nunc stans, as the schools call it; which neither they nor any else understand, no more than they would a hic stans for an infinite greatness of place.

Sure, I laughed when Tommy said that too, but, after some reflection, I think he was just being a dick. The problem is that this obviously wasn’t the origin of the concept, otherwise the “Schools” wouldn’t be teaching it. Of course, we are dealing with concepts of time and eternity. So it could be postulated that eternity necessarily encompasses every moment simultaneously, and, therefore, the “schoolmen” would have to understand Nunc Stans even before its first utterance. Naturally, if you postulate things like that in public, you are likely to get beaten to death by the first passers by. So, here, you had better take this….

Sorry, I saw that coming, but not in enough time to stop it. Allow me to continue.

As previously noted, I have since found what I believe to be the juicy source of both of the phrases, and that brings me to the second question. Boethius was a Roman Christian Philosopher. “Christian!” you might say, “But Marc, I thought you were a heretic?” Well, I am, but that doesn’t mean that Christians have something good to say every so often. Besides, as a philosopher, you shouldn’t simply nod your head when someone says something to you. You look at it, tear it apart, put it back together again, take it for a luxurious ride in through the country, maybe even take it for a bite to eat before you take it home and have your way with it on your living room floor.

Right now, I am seeking eternity and trying to grasp on to the now.

I’ll let you know how it turns out once I have finished Boethius.

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In the beginning…well, not really the beginning. Who knows when that was. All I know is that I’m here now.

But it’s too dark here, and I really need someone to talk to. First, I’ll need to see where I’m going, best to turn on the lights. That’s better. Well, what do you know? There’s really nothing here, is there. Well, I guess there’s light, but that’s not really much of anything is it. I guess it could be. I’ll try to keep that in mind. Who am I talking to anyway? Man, I’d really better get going on this.

I guess I’d better give them something to stand on, don’t want them just floating around in aimless space or anything. Although, I really don’t think it’s that bad. Some gravity might be nice, but I can’t say that I would die without it or anything. All the same, better give them something to stand on. Them, huh? I guess I should make more than one. One would be nice, but the conversation would get stale I’d imagine.

Anyway, back to what they can stand on, their ground, I guess. Whatever it is, it better be pretty big if I’m going to have a bunch of them to talk to. There. There it is, not so bad, kind of formless. Well, these things sometimes take a while to take shape. Whoa, the light’s going away. I have been working a while. I could finish up tomorrow.

There’s the light again. These nights would be easier to get through if I had something to keep myself occupied. Either that, or I should just consider closing my eyes. There’s nothing to see at night anyway. I’d better get back to work on that thing that I started yesterday. Yesterday? What’s a yesterday? Well, it would have to be the light that was there before last night. I guess that makes sense. Funny how these things just keep popping up.

The thing is still formless, and there’s all this wet stuff all over the place. That’s ok. I can fix it. I’m good at fixing things. At least I think I am. Don’t have much experience with it, but I’m sure I’ll do alright. Wait! I totally forgot something. I need a firmament. Don’t I? Not quite sure what that is, but it sounds awfully important. I’m sure I’ll know what it is after I’ve created it. There! Now I have a firmament. It’s not as impressive as I thought, but at least it’s separating some of the wet stuff. Well, that’s enough for today. There’s another weird word: today. If I keep this up, I’ll have a whole new language to teach to my new friends.

Finally the light’s back. I couldn’t keep my eyes closed the whole time, I was too anxious. I’m going to do tons of stuff today. First, I need to get rid of some of this wet stuff. I think I’ll call it water. It’s got a wet sound. Besides, it’s going to be too difficult for my friends to stand on that wet stuff. I mean, whoever heard of anyone walking on water?

Dry land, that looks like a good place to put your feet, especially on the beaches. Who wouldn’t love to walk on the beach? I know I love putting my feet in the sand. Not everything can be a sandy beach though, although it would be nice. I think I’ll make some green things. What’s green? I’m working on it. There. That looks green. I’ll make some other colored things too. How about red things? Ooooo, that looks cool. I bet the girls will really dig those. I’ll give them thorns though, just to make sure that they don’t take more than one at a time. How about some other colors too? Heck, who am I asking? It’s my earth. Earth’s a good name, and I can add whatever colors to it I want.

Man, that was a lot of work. Hmm, I’m not sure what ‘man’ means yet. I’ll save it for later. Maybe I’ll use it to name something silly. Oh well, guess I’ll do more tomorrow. Tomorrow, today, yesterday, did I even create time yet? I guess I did, otherwise I wouldn’t know what it was. Well good thing I did because I’m not sure I could get everything done in one day.

Well, now that the light’s back, I guess I had better create the sun. I mean the light’s got to come from somewhere right? There there’s the sun. It’s awfully hot. I had better move it farther away from my earth. Otherwise I’ll have to make another one. You know what too, I’m getting really tired of sitting in complete blackness waiting for the light to show up again. Somebody might step on something because it’s so dark. I’d better give them a nightlight or two. Bam! There it is! Wow, I may have over did it a little, huh. There’s that big white thing over there and a bunch of tiny little lights all over the place. Oh well, at least everyone will have something to look at when they go out on a date. Well, I think I’d better call it a night.

Here comes the sun, la da de la da. I knew I should’ve been a musician. Still haven’t created that yet either. Well, what’s next? Guess I’ll start making my friends. I’ll let some fly above the earth. Yeah, that looks like fun. And I’ll put a few in the water. Let them swim around a bit. Ok, now let’s try talking to them. Hello there!

Um hello?

Chirp.

Chirp? What the heck’s a chirp?

Chirp.

I guess that when I made you, I should’ve put in some manners. The least you can say is hello.

Chirp.

Well, I can see this is going nowhere. What about you guys under the water.

Hey!

Blurp.

I don’t even think that’s a word.

You guys are just as worthless as the ones in the air. Aw jeez. Fine, I’ll make something else. Then, when I’m having these great conversations with them, you can sit there and chirp and blurp all you want and miss out on everything. Goodnight!

Man, that sun seems to be getting brighter and brighter. Should have that looked at. By the way, birds and fish, that’s what I decided to name you because it sounds like a good name for lazy creatures that don’t even have enough courtesy to say ‘hi’ to their creator, I have decided to forgive you for not talking to me, and will let you go about your merry little ways instead of smiting you out of existence. You can thank me later, but now onto more important things. I am not going to bed tonight until I make something that can carry on a decent conversation with me.

Ok here we go. Come on down lions! Wow, you’re a group of ferocious ones aren’t you? Well, what do you think of this weather we’re having. Hey! Don’t snap at me. I’ll put you on the lower end of the food chain if you’re not careful.

Fine! Bears then. Hey bears…uh… Where you going? What’s in that cave? Are you snoring? Are you sleeping? I just created you! You can’t be sleepy yet! Aw man. Hey, there’s that man word again.

Ok, Bears are out. Chickens? They don’t even look like they have anything interesting to say.

Chameleons? Wow, those are pretty cool. I don’t know if I can talk to it, but I sure want one.

Koala Bears? Probably just as lazy as the other bears.

Giraffes? How’s the weather up there? Sorry, couldn’t resist the temptation.

Dinosaurs? I think creating those may have been a mistake. I’ll take care of that later.

Spiders? Ew, I hate spiders.

Ok I got to make something to talk to.

I got it!

For this one, I’m going to use some of the dust down there. These things always seem like a good idea at the time. Then I’ll breath into him and voila.

Hey. How you doing?

Uh, a little woozy.

You’ll be fine. What do you think about the weather we’re having?

Um it’s great, I guess. Hey, ah, I hate to ask this, but I was wondering if you could maybe make me a woman or something.

Uh, you want to be a woman?

No! I mean could you make a woman for me?

Oh. Wow. I was feeling kind of uncomfortable there for a minute. Sure, I could make you a woman. Um, let me see. Could you look over there for a minute?

Huh. Why? What’s over… Hey!

Sorry, did that sting?

A bit, yeah! Did you just take one of my ribs?

Don’t worry about it. I’m gonna make you a woman.

Why did you have to take one of my ribs?

Hey, when you create your own life, the universe, and everything, then you can offer up suggestions on how I should do my job.

Could you at least make her a redhead? I have a thing for redheads.

Uh, ok. Your being kind of creepy but ok. There you go.

Well, I would say she’s more brunette than redhead.

Oh well, excuse me. If you would rather I could just make her disappear and you can tear out one of your ribs and try and make your own girlfriend.

Um, I can hear you two talking. I’m right here you know.

Hey baby.

Baby? Is this the type of guy that you expect me to hang out with?

Uh, well, I wasn’t really… I’m not sure… What was the question again?

Listen honey, I’m gonna treat you right.

You’d better, because I’m not going to be mated with any deadbeat. Do you even have a job?

Uh… Help me out big guy.

Tell her you have dominion over all of the living creatures.

Baby, I rule.

First off, you’d better not keep calling me baby. Otherwise, I wont be giving you any.

Whoa, whoa, sweets, who said anything about kids…

I left the conversation after that, realizing that no matter how hard I tried, it was always going to be a one-way conversation with these people. I can’t think of anything sillier than someone who just kept talking and talking and never listens, and I decided to call them man.

Oh well, at least I can sleep in tomorrow.

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