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Archive for July, 2010

Last week I was too busy lambasting myself for being so lousy at things. So, my counselor (me) has instructed me to write ten positive things about myself. Here it goes.

1- I will never read a Twilight novel. Now some fans of Twilight might say. “That was a cheap shot!” To which I will say, “Well, yes. Yes it was.” Then go on my merry little way whistling or humming an obscure little tune. To say that there’s nothing wrong with Twilight would be a lie that would get me at least 7 years in hell. And, considering I am still collecting souls in an attempt to barter my way out when I am cast into the firy pits, I am not willing to add any time to that. After paroosing the first two pages of the first book in the series I was satisfied in the assessment that I knew everything that was going to happen in this Novel, and that none of it had any consequence on my life at all. It was better that I put the book down and spend my time more constructively, like punching a baby or something.

2 – I have written a novel. It might not be a particularly good novel, but it’s a novel none the less. Besides if the aforementioned title is any indication, novels don’t have to be good at all in order to make someone a lot of money. (Sorry. Couldn’t be helped. I’ll try to stop. But no promises.) After wrenching with my being for nearly a decade working on this book and putting every part of my self into it, I can safely say that there will only be a small section of the population that will read it (last stats I read said that 80% of Americans DIDN’T even pick up a book in 2009) and certainly less people will be able to understand it. So, I think my being is safe for now. Good thing too. Because they’ve burned people at the stake for less.

3 – I am a liberal. (This was intended as a jab to all my conservative friends out there)

4 – I am NOT a Christian (This was intended as a jab to all my former Christian friends out there) In fact, I don’t believe in any god in particular. And yes, I do think that this is a good thing. A really good thing as a matter of fact.

5 – I am a damn good cook. I mean, I’ve made enchiladas from scratch that will make you change religions (see #4)

6 – I have been dealing with 50 kids a week for nearly ten years, and I have yet to punch one of them in a face. Considering I really don’t like kids, this is an accomplishment that should consider me for sainthood.

7 – I love animals. (More than people)

8 – I take care of my body (when I’m not trying to drink myself into a coma)

9 – I never return phone calls. You may say that this is bad, but I am consistent in not returning phone calls. So, you are never concerned that I don’t like you or that I’m mad at you. You just realize, “he never calls anyone back”

10 – I can kill you with my brain.

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For those of you in the know, I am generally regarded as a happy-go-lucky cynic with a dash of misanthropy. They used to consider me as Bi-Polar, but I think I have safely moved on to Tri-Polar or even possibly Quad-Polar. But enough about me, let’s move on to something even more important. Just kidding, we’re going to keep talking about me because I have the pen, or typewriter, or laptop, or whatever.

I have been hard at work on an Audio book for those of you who don’t usually take to well to words on a page. I guess you might not be reading this if you are one of these individuals. Therefore, I am really explaining this to nobody. Oh well. Hello Nobody! How is nothingness.

Back to the Audio Book. In order to ensure the best reading of the book (i.e. because I’m broke) I have opted to read the book myself, a decision which has led me to learning some things about myself.

1 – I HATE the sound of my own voice. I have asthma, and, although I don’t notice it that often in normal life, in my readings every gasp and wheeze pierce my skull like a railroad spike. Not only that, but I have no idea how any of you understand me when I’m talking to you. I mumble way too much.

2 – I really shouldn’t be allowed to write any more books. This shit is seriously disturbing. My primary female character finger bangs herself in the first 3 pages. Hows that for getting right to it! Not only that, she masturbates to remember her own brother! More than hinting at Incest. I also have a pedophile who gets eviscerated, which is probably the most redeeming quality of my work. apparently, I have some serious issues to work out.

I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Anyway, my violently erotic existential meditation on incestuous and neglectful characters who eviscerate pedophiles while wandering around aimlessly pining about how shitty their lives have become is available at Amazon in Hardcover, Paperback, and Kindle Formats.

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